You can tell a lot about a person by what they order — especially when they’re hungry. Not the “I’m on a diet” kind of hungry, but the real kind. The “long day, don’t stress me” kind. The “this place better not mess up my mood” kind. That’s when people revert to their truest selves. And whether it’s egusi or enchiladas, what you crave when no one’s watching says more about your soul than your star sign ever could.
Let’s decode the menu, shall we?
Jollof Rice and Plantain (Don’t forget the beef, please)
You are a purist. A traditionalist. You believe there’s beauty in the basics — but that doesn’t mean you’re boring. You’re the type who believes good jollof should never be tampered with — no carrots, no funny business. And don’t even try to serve it with coleslaw. You’re loyal to your roots and, frankly, not very forgiving when things go wrong. If the rice is soggy or the plantain is burnt? You will not suffer in silence.
Spaghetti and Big Turkey (with pepper stew that slaps)
You’re bold. Loud. A bit dramatic — in the best way. You don’t do anything halfway. If you’re ordering spaghetti, it better be peppery, oily, and served with a turkey leg the size of a newborn baby. You’re the life of the party and the first to say “Let’s just order something quick” before spending ₦9,000 on one plate. Also, your gist is always the juiciest, and you never eat quietly.
Amala with Gbegiri, Ewedu, and Assorted
You’re built differently. Resilient. Unshakable. You’ve been through things and you have stories — real stories. You don’t believe in soft life; you believe in substance. You’re likely to have strong political opinions and a playlist that goes from Fuji to Fela in seconds. If your amala is served lukewarm, it’s a personal insult. You have standards, and you do not compromise.
Sushi (But only from that place on the Island)
You are the friend who says, “I’m not really hungry”, then proceeds to order the most expensive thing on the menu. You like soft life, curated content, and will never be caught dead in a buka (unless it’s for aesthetic irony). You have almond milk in your fridge and strong opinions about oat milk vs. soy. You don’t actually know what half the rolls are, but you order confidently — and that’s what counts.
Shawarma with Extra Everything
You’re chaotic good. You crave excitement, but still want to be able to eat it in traffic. You like your food messy, your garlic sauce strong, and your evenings unplanned. You’re the type to text your ex on your way to pick up the order, then eat it dramatically while watching romantic YouTube vlogs. You believe in second chances — both in love and in shawarma vendors.
Pepper Soup (Goat Meat or Catfish only)
You’re a bit of a loner. You’re introspective. You probably say things like “I need to clear my head” or “I’m not in the mood for noise.” Pepper soup is your therapy — the hotter, the better. You like your meat tender and your peace undisturbed. You eat it slowly, deliberately, and never with a group. If pepper soup is your go-to, you’re not looking for food. You’re looking for answers.
Pasta Alfredo or Pesto (with Chicken, obviously)
You’ve been to Dubai once, and it changed you. You are now an Italian food lover — as long as it comes with chicken. You say things like “I just want something light”, then proceed to eat a creamy, cheesy bowl of carbs like you’re training for a marathon. You are elegance meets delusion, and you are deeply loved for it.
Indomie and Egg (and Sausage, and Corned Beef, and…)
You’re not okay, and that’s okay. You like drama — on your plate and in your life. You’re resourceful, creative, and probably always late. Indomie is your comfort zone, and you make it with the kind of flair that says, “I might not know where my life is going, but this noodle is going somewhere.” You’re lovable, a little unserious, and you make every room warmer.
Small Chops Platter
You are indecisive, unserious, and absolutely delightful. You want puff-puff, but also samosa, but also maybe just a bite of spring roll. You’re a walking red flag with gold foil packaging. You flirt with danger, RSVP late to every event, and always end up being the most fun person in the room. You don’t need a full meal. You need vibes — and possibly a nap.
Avocado Toast or Smoothie Bowl
You are not from here. You’re the voice of wellness in a country that thrives on stew. You believe in boundaries, journaling, and herbal teas. You own a yoga mat but don’t always use it. Your Instagram bio has the word “intentional,” and your daily goal is to drink water, mind your business, and survive Nigeria. We see you. We respect you. We’re also slightly afraid of you.
